I’m Still Alive

04 Feb
February 4, 2013

Well good googa mooga!  Time sure does pass by fast sometimes!  I’m still alive!  I had no idea a whole month passed by with me only posting one time.  Believe it or not, I am constantly thinking about my blog.  I have ideas, stories, so much I want to do on here, but like I’ve said a million times before, I don’t have a lot of time to do such things yet.  So this will be a post on updating you all on what’s been going on with me.

042The twinnies are thriving and in their terrible twos.  We bypassed that with our first child Max, he didn’t act out until he was three years old.  (And it was not that bad.)  Two times the tantrums and two times the frustration adds to two times the not so much fun!  They are a joy most of the time, but to be completely honest, it can be very difficult.  I am determined to survive the stage without it bringing me down, although I have had to put my emotions and thought patterns in check many a time.  It has taught me quite a bit about myself and at the end of 048the day, I think I am proud of how I’ve done for the most part.  They are quite the chefs in their kitchen lately, and enjoy any and all outside time.  They are very independent so sharing is often an issue.  But what a hard thing to learn.  Most adults don’t even share for crying out loud.  Our oldest boy Max is going to be 4 soon.  I can’t believe it, he impresses me everyday.  He is a creative artist, athlete and a patient older brother.  He is a super hero many days called ‘Muscle Man’ and can perform all kinds of superpowers.  He is a dream of a person.Max

I have been going through some personal anguish since December, to my surprise since I thought I had conquered what I thought was a phase in my twenties.  I have generalized anxiety disorder which means, I think too much about stuff that isn’t realistic or ever going to happen.  In my mid twenties, I was an HIV Counselor and tended bar at nights and weekends and was dating someone who was horrible for me.  It was a conflict of interest to say the least and it definitely caught up to me.  I started having panic attacks and had to decide what I was going to change about my life.  I found a therapist and tried to work out some of the baggage I had not attended to yet, and I quit my job.  I loved that job but it was very heavy and emotional and I wasn’t ready to take on all that responsibility yet.  I was in charge of a grant for a non-profit organization but still wanted to focus on my personal life too much.  Kind of a shame when I look back on it now, but it is all part of the plan, right?

Anyways, with some therapy, I got through it all, and years have gone by without any more attacks.  I have however had anxiety throughout my years, but after returning to therapy and finding someone who knew what they were doing (finally) along with my life straightening out, I nipped anxiety in the bud too.  It has been years since I have felt anxiety (that wasn’t self inflicted like from a hangover-ha).  Well, in December that all changed, and I started to really freak out again.  I was having attacks, and constant anxiety to where I was feeling borderline crazy.  I am very educated on the topic, and know how to ‘think’ about it all, but when you have a physical reaction to anxiety, it’s a whole different ball game.  At least it is for me.

So, I have again restarted therapy (my childhood was weird) and I have a whole lot on my plate.  Adding to that is that I don’t have a lot of time for myself, to express myself, to communicate and socialize with as many as I would like, and my life revolves around my family completely.  That is a good thing to an extent but you definitely need time for oneself-always.  This is my situation right now, and it is not always an easy one.  I could go on for days about all of this but I won’t.

I have been very proactive about my status, as I believe in making moves.  I have begun studying Shambhala Buddhism and practicing meditation.  My husband (who has been great) is working with me to make some time for these things, so I can go 2 times a week.  A good friend has been going with me, so it’s been easier because of that too.  I did my first 45 minute sitting last week and I am so pleased with myself!  It’s not easy to do!  I am reading and feeding my mind with positive thoughts, I have been reaching out to friends and family and talking about things so that they know where I am right now.  I am trying to incorporate yoga back into my life, even if it’s 15 minutes here and there.  I have gone to the doctor so that I know that I am not dying of anything ;)  and to make sure I am not deficient in anything.  I have been trying to eat cleaner and learn more about nutrition because everything you do makes a difference.  My friend Billy suggested that I watch the documentary Forks Over Knives on Hulu (it’s free) that “examines the profound claim that most, if not all, of the degenerative diseases that afflict us can be controlled, or even reversed, by rejecting our present menu of animal-based and processed foods.”  So I have to get to that soon.  I am going to start volunteering at an animal shelter (this week! excited!) so that I can do some good and also get my pet fix in.  Losing two pets that were 14 and 15 years old in two years has been very tough on me.  I have been more present and working on always coming from a grateful place.  There is more, but that is most of it.  And that is where I am.

I debated sharing this information, and chose to for several reasons.  One being, it comes naturally for me to share.  I am extremely open and would tell anyone all of this in person.  Two, there have been quite a few people that have expressed to me that I have ‘it all’.  While I do feel blessed, I have my hard times too (sometimes often) while having many things to work on and I don’t think people think so when they only see happy pictures and smiling faces on social media.  I don’t post when I’m having a hard time, or if I’m freaking out in my head or crying.  Does anyone really want to see that?  No.  Thirdly, I believe I have crossed over and passed the hardest part.  I still have a lot of work to do, but I have taken all the steps that have initiated results and am happy with them.  My anxiety levels have gotten way better but I am still dealing with them in small chunks daily.  That is a vast improvement from where I was.  I am proud of myself.  Last but not least, this information might help someone.  It might make someone feel better.  It might relate to someone else.  I am constantly reading blogs, and forums looking for someone who has been in my shoes.  Not everyone shares this stuff.  I am not afraid, and I think it’s important frankly.

So hopefully, my readers are hanging in there with me because I have some good stuff on the way.  I have some great music to share with y’all and some fun little projects too.  I will keep you updated on my journey with Buddhism, as I am just in the beginning stages.  My original plan was to find out which way I leaned faith wise, and I thought to start out with the meditation aspect.  I go to a Shambhala Center so, I am learning their ‘ways’.  After I get more comfortable and familiar, I will branch out and research other types of Buddhism, and maybe go to a couple churches.  I don’t think I lean toward Christianity though.  We’ll see.

Meditation room

Photo credit: Shambhala-mn.org

I hope everyone is finding happiness in their own way.  It’s all about the journey.

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2 replies
  1. Meaghan says:

    Great share! Yoga has worked wonders for me with this issue. In particular hot yoga….get a good sweat on, clean out your body, quiet your mind and you can close your eyes while you exercise….what’s better than that?!

    XOXO

    Reply

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